When he was anxious hed go into overdrive cleaning and re-organising the house and expect everyone to stop whatever they were doing and help. The topics discussed include the following: Establishing emotional safety within a group, or some other container to establish a sense of belonging and be validated. People simply dont comprehend the turmoil involved in living with Autism Spectrum Disorder symptoms. Having the diagnosis is a relief for many people. Thank you for the request, someone from our team will send you more information via email shortly. A compelling vision rooted in your highest values so that you may return to or, for the first time, establish a strong sense of self. minimizing your relationship's emotional and psychological impact. Are you looking for a reference guide about Autism Spectrum Disorder in adults? Dr. Kathy McMahon (Dr. K) is a clinical psychologist and sex therapist. She was diagnosis with Aspergers syndrome in 1999. Best regards from Switzerland. Not once in 33 years did I ever hear my spouse say, how are you, or how was your day? There were religious rules about everything and especially about money. Your email address will not be published. (Willey 2001. p. 164). Thats my clinical opinion and thats what Ive written here. Overall, sounds, temperature differences, visual images and tastes more easily overwhelm adults with Aspergers than adults with ADHD. I first determine whether it makes reasonable sense to undertake an assessment of Aspergers. So no mention then, of similar distress experienced by a neurotypical man married to a neurodiverse woman ? They often have an inflated and arrogant view of themselves, and are described as excessively opinionated and cocky. I had crippling arthritis and all sorts of health challenges during this time. I am interested in how the person gets along at work and his or her work performance, how the person manages daily living, what initiative the person takes in planning and achieving life goals, and how satisfied the person is with his or her life. One highly important source are any documents, including reports, evaluations, notices, or assessments, that speak to the persons social, emotional, language, and physical growth. Thriving Beyond Cassandra Syndrome Group & Webinar, 6-week group coaching and therapeutic community. Stigmatizing and disapproval, based on the knowledge that a person has Aspergers is still prevalent in our society. Cassandra Syndrome - Zen Mind (partner's/ex of a man with ASD/Asperger's) Public Group | Facebook. How is it possible to tell for sure if someone doesnt understand subtle emotions? . In contrast, adults with Aspergers have more specific preferences about the kind of sensations they like and dislike. People with OCD have better social skills, empathy and social give and take than those with Aspergers. How would you know? They are frequently deceitful and manipulative so as to obtain money, sex, power of some other form of personal profit or pleasure. In fact, I often find it unhelpful to offer any official diagnosis to the spouses I work with other than to tell them that I think one is neurodiverse. The intimacy between us is getting worse almost non existent. In addition, whereas Aspergers occurs early in the persons life, OCD develops later in life. Because the person with AS does not have the same relational needs as the non-Asperger partner, he or she is often unable to instinctively recognize the emotional needs of his or her partner and may feel ill-equipped to meet them. The easiest way to understand Cassandra Syndrome is to relate it to Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Indications that these characteristics are causing significant problems in relationships, work or other important areas of the persons life. One is the intense aloneness at having ones experiences either disbelieved or outright denied. My friend Lyman had polio, was from an educated and well-to-do family with high-end doctors, and instead of being told to rest and keep his arm still (his affected limb), was given a course of rigorous PT like therapy that restored most of his movement. Many of these symptoms overlap with those of Aspergers. Ya, intellectual empathy is hard to grasp or for many to consider real empathy. You should be able to find an individual therapist who understands your issues. This unethical behavior has caused families immense pain and devastation. I feel very comfortable with dating or being in social situations with others. Other reactions include persistent feelings of sadness, depression and anxiety, insomnia, isolation, and anger. I had no idea what I was getting into either. She's in an ongoing traumatic relationship syndrome. . Currently there are nine screening questionnaires that are used to identify adults who may have Aspergers. Clear evidence that these characteristics are not caused by low intelligence or broad, across-the-board delays in overall development. The only thing that helps is when he realizes that his ex-wife said many of the same things I mention. Aspergers and Social Anxiety Disorder share the common element of discomfort in social situations. Visible Anyone can find this group. NTs are the victim, especially if we were not told of this neurodivergence before marriage. Maxine describes her conception of AfDD as follows: It's also something that can change if you can find a good couples therapist who understands and knows how to work with neurodiverse relationships. If your answer is Yes to any of these questions, this book is for you. Another woman running an Aspergers "partners support group", toting Maxine Aston's bizarre doctrine and connections to hate groups like the late "Heartless Aspergers" website, convinces women their husbands have undiagnosed Aspergers and are the root of all problems. Whether in unison with Neurodiversity couples counseling or not, having personal guidance and a community that supports you is very beneficial. It starts with a no-obligation 15 minute phone call with our client services team. Then why not all join hands and make empathy deficits okay and focus on other skills to guide behavior, like a solid moral compass, compassion, agreeableness and emotional self-regulation. There are specific interventions that ease the stress and enhance the bond. So, the support will be ongoing throughout the week, not just one hour per week. They have little interest in their usual activities, have little appetite, sleep more than usual, are slowed down, have difficulty concentrating and sometimes have suicidal thoughts. I can use all kinds of self-soothing, EFT, meditation, etc. People with Aspergers think through their actions more carefully. I really need to work through the issues that coincide with Cassandra Syndrome in order to move forward in my life, Check the therapy board at aane.org. In contrast, adults with Aspergers tend not to understand non-literal language, slang or implied meanings. Because Aspergers is a condition that exists at or before birth, clues about the presence of Aspergers are found in the history of the persons childhood. Visible Anyone can find this group. After all, if the husband was character disordered, he might get proper help and change. If your answer is Yes to any of these questions, this book is for you. Cassandra was a princess in Greek mythology. For example, someone with Aspergers can be quite intelligent and have mastery over numerous facts, yet have much less comprehension emotions and how they are expressed. She was married to an Asperger's man. The problem with this is that several other conditions share many of the same symptoms with Aspergers. I miss my best friends or family when we are apart for a long time. A lot of it was hard because it challenged me to face my negative emotions surrounding my husband being on the autism spectrum. We address the ways in which Lisa helps others heal through her support groups, therapy and coaching. I am a person who is worthy of others respect and acceptance. Often this gives others the impression that they lack emotion. None of our friends who I talked to, and including our grown kids would believe me except for a couple of counselors who understood.My husband worked at the United Nations in Vienna, Austria, was highly gifted musically and an upstanding member of the church. It is priceless to learn the stories of people who are around the same age as me or older than me with a lot more life experience with marriage to someone on the autism spectrum. It can support the idea that the person has genuine difficulties arising from a real, legitimate condition. He put a curse on her so that no one would ever believe her. Stress, trauma and repressed emotions have made many of these ladies feel as if they are losing their mind and they have definitely lost a part of themselves. Despite her accurate predictions, Cassandra was ridiculed and disregarded, seen as insane and irrational. The second meeting focuses on the persons background, particularly information about the persons early family life; previous school experiences; past friendships, employment and intimate relationships; childhood emotional development and functioning, and significant interests throughout the persons life. But in practice it is complicated and necessities a professional who understands thoroughly not just the characteristics of Aspergers but how they are played out in real life. BlogAbout UsOur MissionOur All-Star TeamComplaint ProceduresNo Surprise ActClient Reviews. CONTENTS: CROSS Ministries (Christians Reaching Out in Support & Sharing) - Lexington, Kentucky Faith and Fellowship Support Group - Catholic Archdiocese of Chicago In the workplace and in educational settings, a diagnosis of Aspergers can provide access to helpful resources and support that might otherwise not have been available. She will make sure you will have a safe place to talk, learn, heal and grow. An example of this is difficulty noticing whether people are bored or not listening in conversations. Additionally this caused me to question my sanity. Real and serious problems emerge when the NT assumes someone is intentionally being this way, instead of developing a greater understanding. Misappropriating CPTSD (which is the result of prolonged trauma, most frequently during childhood) by claiming that simply dating a neurodiverse person is incredibly demeaning to people who have actually been through traumatic experiences. Exploiting vulnerable women in this way is a foul act with potentially dangerous consequences. Of course women can be autistic. CHADD Affiliate Locator - Find a local ADHD support group in your area. I lived the most wonderfully hurtful life possible being the mother. After all, you wouldnt go to the trouble of evaluating whether you have a broken foot if, in the first place, there is absolutely nothing wrong with your foot. Adults with ADHD tend to express their feelings directly and fairly clearly whereas adults with Aspergers do not show a wide range of emotions. Aspergers people do show and feel remorse whereas people with APD do not. Maxine Aston proposed the termAffective Deprivation Disorder (AfDD). Website Along with these thoughts are repetitive behaviors or mental acts that the person feels driven to perform in order to reduce stress or to prevent something bad from happening. I will respond within 24 hours to provide you with the details. Having said that, there are important differences between the two. He has never been in trouble with the law, is reliable and honest. It provides a means of understanding why someone feels and thinks differently than others. First, I explain that certain characteristics are central to Aspergers syndrome. They often say things such as. Do you have questions youd like to ask an expert in adult Autism? Your email address will not be published. Cassandra was a beautiful woman whose beauty seduced Apollo into granting her the gift of prophecy. My divorce from my ASD ex-husband is about to come through. I read this last night after the anniversary of my separation from my spouse of 16 years, and all the lightbulbs went on. The label "Asperger's Syndrome" began to be used in 1997 in the USA. It can be exciting to consider how ones life can change for the better knowing what one is dealing with. . School reports might indicate past social and emotional difficulties, along with academic tendencies, that could be relevant to any indications of Aspergers syndrome. Very validating! Instead, they blame victims of their aggression, irresponsibility and exploitation. In my clinical experience, they also often have greater social skills at blending. However, these relationships can also have problems, as you point out. Kathy Marshack has several books for Neurotypicals in Neurodiverse relationships. This is truly mind-boggling. The couples in it are just great! A woman of strength and conviction, Shelly. When I hit 30, this particular group will be closed. Once a woman or man married to a person who is NA recognizes the work to be done, I have found them to be deeply relieved to be on a positive track to a healthier and happier marriage. Liane Holliday Willey is an educator, author and speaker. Cassandra Syndrome. In addition, people with SPD typically do not show these features until late adolescence or adulthood. Im glad you found this article helpful! Donate. Individuals with Aspergers have trouble understanding how people operate but they do respect others, whereas people with APD have no regard for people. This, of course, is an unrealistic and exaggerated depiction of what living with Aspergers is like. It's used to describe the cluster of symptoms that result from a lack of emotional connection with a partner on the autism spectrum. The REASON for an ASD meltdown is different than the reason for a tantrum, yes And. After speaking to him last night I started doing some reading about the feelings from my side that have motivated my input to what I now realise has contributed to the downfall of our marriage and found cassandra syndrome. So it is no surprise that when a wife describes how she suffers from emotional deprivation in her marriage, she is doubted. One of the critical misconceptions about neurodiversity is that neuroatypicals lack "empathy." Copyright 2023 Couples Therapy Inc., all rights reserved. Sounds sort of flip but Penelope Truck once said that neurodiverse women are more like neurotypical men. --- Recovery from Emotional Deprivation for Neurotypical Partners in Neurodiverse Relationships: https://www.cassandrasyndromerecovery.com/--- Group for ASD. Here is a description of the psychiatric conditions most frequently associated with Aspergers: People with ADHD typically have difficulty paying attention to whats going on around them, they are easily distracted, they tend to do things without thinking about the results, they are often forgetful, have trouble finishing what they intended to do, are disorganized, jump from one activity to another, are restless and have poor social skills. I am a clinical psychologist in San Francisco with 30 years of experience evaluating and treating adults with Autism Spectrum Disorders (ASD). For more information and support regarding the Cassandra phenomenon, visit the Families of Adults Afflicted with Aspergers Syndrome website. The current diagnostic strategy for identifying Lynch syndrome, the most common inherited cancer syndrome, as recommended by the National Comprehensive Cancer Network [] and the Evaluation of Genomic Applications in Practice and Prevention group [], involves screening tumours for evidence of DNA mismatch repair (MMR)-deficiency (dMMR) via immunohistochemical staining for loss of expression of . I let it go at that time and decided to seek therapy for myself since my husband kept telling me I was always complaining, sad, depressed, delusional, critical, judgemental, condescending, needy etc.. I may not just know without you telling me, but I certainly can know if you do. I was wondering why even though he is highly intelligent (Yale MBA) he does not seek professional work. Ready for the next step? To cultivate self-love and re-alignment with your authenticity. I will accept myself for who I am. Join our newsletter for the latest articles, news, videos & resource updates. In her 2001 book, Aspergers Syndrome in the Family: Redefining Normal in the Family, she wrote the following self-affirmation pledge for those with Aspergers syndrome. These women are not grappling with a partner who has autism, but rather struggling with common relationship issues or worse, being manipulated and abused by a narcissist. As one person stated: There must be something wrong with me to want more and think I could have it. In the early 2000s, the term Cassandra Phenomenon, sometimes referred to as the Cassandra syndrome, was coined to describe a group of symptoms that often occur in individuals who live with or know adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder. *Also*in this regard, it is hard to separate strands of ASD from strands of regular human resistance to growing closer; for instance, my partner had early experiences that impacted his attachment style. They dont know how to act appropriately in social situations and thus tend to avoid them. They show little remorse for the consequence of their actions and tend to be indifferent to the hurt they have caused others. I was surviving. I work with women who have been married to NA for decades. . There is a similar difference with respect to impulsivity. Dear NT Ladies, My heart goes out to those who are experiencing the symptoms of Cassandra Syndrome. Required fields are marked *. They often say things such as, "Im not the same person I used to be. See more He is on the whole a good Father. In some cases, the NT wife has been emotionally deprived for so long that its to the point now where there are mental and physical ramifications. The mission of the Down Syndrome Resource Foundation is to support people living with Down syndrome and their families with individualized and leading-edge educational programs, health services, information . The Cassandra phenomenon depicts a state of confusion, self-doubt, and inner turmoil that is all too familiar among neurotypical people who, when describing their experiences with an adult on the spectrum, are doubted, discounted, ignored, even rejected by friends, family members, and sometimes professionals who disbelieve their account. They dont conform to social norms with respect to lawful behavior, such as destroying property, stealing, harassing others, and cheating. They are consistently and extremely irresponsible financially, in their employment, and with regard to their own safety and the safety of others. I have more energy to initiate and complete tasks, something that was too hard before. In this case, it is more accurate to say the person has co-existing conditions rather than it being a straightforward matter of Aspergers. This post will focus on the more user-friendly termCassandra Syndrome. I have been married to a man that has the symptoms of Aspergers for 16 years. Releasing/resolving resentments in the present and fears about the future. It explains my crushing loneliness and pain and his bafflement and frustration. While it was named after a mythical woman, it is not restricted to wives in neurodiverse marriages, but can happen with either gender. To reduce the fear of harming oneself or others by, for example, forgetting to lock the door or turn off the gas stove, some people develop checking rituals. People with ADHD often try to do multiple activities at the same time. You can read more about Lisa on her bio page. History The questionnaires and scales for adults are as follows, in alphabetical order: These questionnaires indicate whether a person has characteristics that match those of people with Aspergers but that, in and of itself, doesnt prove someone has or doesnt have Aspergers. They find it hard to interpret the meanings of facial expressions and body posture, and they have particular difficulty understanding how people express their emotions. Signs of these characteristics as early as 12-24 months of age, although the difficulties with social communication and relationships typically become apparent later in childhood. Diagnosing Aspergers is a fairly easy process in principle. While often gendered, its actually quite possible for either sex. Surprisingly, when friends and acquaintances heard her say this, they acted as if she was describing someone they didnt know. I need help, I feel my health is detiorating. Hey Nora! Your email address will not be published. The wife's friends wonder what about him causes her to me so distressed. Both believe that. Welcome to the Cassandra Syndrome Recovery group on Facebook. The assessment process itself is time consuming and it can be costly. This is an excellent overview for both the clinical reader and for parents. Do you have questions youd like to ask an expert in adult Aspergers? Typically, along with this discomfort is lack of eye contact and difficulty communicating effectively. This article speaks to neurotypical women however. Provide individual, child and family counseling to clients. There is a big difference in how adults with ADHD use language compared to adults with Aspergers. Thank you for reaching out, someone will be in touch over email with some information that you can share with your daughter. While they may feel down at times or at other times be unusually happy, their concerns have much less to do with emotional ups and downs. The Cassandra Phenomenon In the early 2000's, the term Cassandra Phenomenon, sometimes referred to as the Cassandra syndrome, was coined to describe a group of symptoms that often occur in individuals who live with or know adults with Autism Spectrum Disorder. I will find a career interest that is well suited to my abilities and interests. It's a task that can be puzzling without a neurodiverse lens. My heart goes out to those who are experiencing the symptoms of Cassandra Syndrome. Support groups should not encourage demonizing male partners based on their gender. The term is derived from Greek mythology. Not how I wanted or needed it to be as a neurotypical person. Cost: In this chapter, I will explain how the process of diagnosing someone for Aspergers is usually carried out, both in general terms and the specific way I undertake a diagnosis. Everything matters..everything is dissected and analysed. A friend recommended joining a support group called Cassandra Support Group (Asperger's Syndrome) on FB as an observer, for the purpose of improving my own relationships. Price: $200 for 8 sessions. A new, and more accurate, understanding of the person can lead to appreciation and respect for what the person is coping with. Cassandra Syndrome describes a woman who tries to tell others about her life with an autistic partner and is not believed. I really dont understand this idea that women cant be autistic. To claim that any group of people has no empathy is a damaging accusation. An example is previous medical reports documenting signs of early language delays and/or peculiarities, coordination problems, behavioral difficulties or unusual physical problems. There was no marriage. The description of the neurodivergent marriage finally hits the nail on the head. Hes unable to make obvious inferences in a conversation, instead insisting that others are not being clear. Never once has the phrase 'oh. The boys still cant eat a meal without comments being made about the way theyre eating. Just knowing how the person behaves, thinks and feels does not, in and of itself, tell you whether he or she has Aspergers. I think the real villain is when an NT has no idea they are living and loving someone who is neurodiverse. Iam a mother of four daughters on the spectrum. Online Support Groups and Discussion Forums AANE's online support groups and discussion forums are an opportunity to connect, share common experiences, and learn about valuable resources. They may be overly sensitive to one kind of sensation and avoid that persistently. Maxine Aston's Cassandra cult blames any relationship issues on allegedly undiagnosed autistic males. My work is not related to the psychological field however since my task is more to this expertise I'm beginning to understand more about mental state. She has a remarkable memory, is able to converse in detail about a wide range of subjects, is outgoing and adventurous, and has a quirky but engaging sense of humor. However, I am still pretty traumatised by the marriage that had come to be. Her family members don't understand what she's troubled by. I appreciated the chance to share my story a little bit during the Skype group video format class time. Now youll have the moral support youve needed for so long.Ill be recording the sessions, so if you cant attend live, there will still be some benefit to joining the group. Dr. Kenneth Roberson is an Adult Autism Psychologist in San Francisco with over 30 years of experience. Well, he would understand if I was upset because someone died, but not because I felt low. Even if I, or the children, were upset there would be no simple hug and concern, he would be annoyed and confused as to why we were upset, especially if we should be doing something else. Thank you so much! They dont have the strong preference for logical patterns in things and people, an inability to read facial expressions or blindness to what is going on in other peoples minds that characterizes Aspergers. Stress, trauma and repressed emotions have made many of these ladies feel as if they are losing . These questions help me assess whether the persons attitudes towards life, conduct in relationships, and general success in achieving life goals reveal any of the characteristics that typically are found in people with Aspergers. Hence a thorough understanding of early social, emotional, family, academic and behavioral experiences are essential to the diagnostic process. There was also an obvious cause that they and I knew about. The phrase, He wears his heart on his sleeve, does not make sense to me. Often people answer these questions based on what they know about Aspergers, theyve read or been told about it, or what they imagine it is, and what they are indicating in their answers is not a accurate reflection of the characteristics they actually have. Im not promoting separation or divorce, but I will be promoting ways for you to begin taking care of YOU. Typically, only when their children are diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum do those around her begin to also suspect that her husband may be likewise neuroatypical. I finally went and got my tubes tied after seeing what kind of father he was; I left him with my very young kids one Saturday morning to shop and came home to find him sleeping on the couch with his back turned to the kids. Employers are more likely to understand the ability and needs of an employee should that employee make the diagnosis known. If youre ready to get started, register using the PayPal. They tend to react passively to difficult circumstances, as if they are directionless and are drifting along in life. My heart goes out to those who are experiencing the symptoms of Cassandra Syndrome. I have had many cases where I was able to conclude with confidence whether the person had Aspergers without seeing one single piece of written evidence about that persons past.
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